Mass Ramblings
by WalkingCodex
Summary: Scenes from all three Mass Effect games that I'd like to have seen, if only because I like humor and a fairy tale ending better than the horrible degradations and painful losses of war. Not written in chronological order. Canon dialogue tampered with mercilessly. One shots. Thanks to everyone on the Tube for uploading videos of cut scenes.
1. Mordin Solus Versus the Shroud

**Mordin Solus Versus the Shroud**

**What should have happened when Mordin cured the genophage in ME3. But no, Bioware wants us to be SAD. Some folks didn't get this scene based on their game choices. Some of this dialogue is canon, some of it has been added to in an attempt to be amusing.**

* * *

Shepard raced into the lab at top speed and skidded to a shaky halt in front of the salarian scientist who typed frantically at a keyboard. The room rocked with explosions and debris flew around them like seeker swarms. "Mordin, is the cure ready?"

Mordin struggled to remain on his feet as explosive force and debris pounded away at him. "Yes, loaded for dispersal in two minutes. Procedure traumatic for Eve but not lethal. Maelon's research creepy but invaluable."

"She's okay?" Shepard appeared visibly relieved.

"Headed to safety now." Mordin did not look up from his work. "Her survival fortunate. Will stabilize new government should Wrex get any ideas. Good match. Promising future for Krogan." He huffed a chuckle. "Marriage to Garrus still appropriate. Cement alliance. Ensure long term cooperation. Amusement at possibility unprofessional. But still good idea."

A large chunk of building crash landed next to Shepard. "Damn!"

Mordin gestured off to one side. "Control room at top of Shroud tower. Must take elevator up."

"You're going up there?" Shepard did the 'It's Superman!' point.

"Yes. Manual access required. Have to counteract STG sabotage. Ensure cure dispersed properly."

The commander was insistent. "Mordin, this whole thing is coming apart. There's got to be another way!"

"Remote bypass impossible. STG countermeasures in place. No time to adjust cure for temperature variance." Mordin looked up at the Shroud tower, where poisonous clouds billowed, um, poisonously. "No. No other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear. Explosions likely to be... problematic."

"Mordin, no!"

"Shepard, please. Need to do this. My project. My work. My cure. My responsibility." He sighed. "Would have liked to have run tests on the seashells. The swirly ones with the echo inside."

The commander drew a blank on inspiring speeches. "I'm sorry." _Why was just saying 'I'll miss you' so damn hard?_ (No, really, Bioware. Why was it?)

Mordin shakes his head and smiles gently. "I'm not. Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

Helpless and hating it, Shepard's face fell.

"Shepard. What is human expression? Ah, yes. 'Stop being sad and be awesome instead.'* Go save galaxy." And with that, Mordin disappeared from view.

* * *

The elevator rose. Mordin drew a deep breath and braced himself for what was to come.

A generic Asari virtual intelligence repeated over the loudspeaker. "Warning. Temperature malfunction detected." _Hmm. Salarian VI must talk too fast. Declarations of imminent doom should be soothing._

Mordin strode boldly toward the control terminal and dodged fiery blasts from malfunctioning equipment. His fingers flew over the keyboard. "Ah. Classic bypass. Standard fail safes. Excellent work. Yes, yes."

"Temperature now within acceptable range. Dispersal commencing."

The Scientist Salarian straightened with a gentle smile on his face, quietly proud of his work. At peace. "Genophage cured. Krogan freed. New beginning. For all of us."

The tell tale flash of a powerful explosion rips through the facility. Mordin's vision is obscured, but his shields do not fail him. Windows all around him blow outward with the force of the blast.

* * *

From outside the Shroud, Shepard watched the explosion with a 'somebody kicked my puppy' expression. The commander cupped pieces of floating cure. They were as fireflies melting on armor; flakes of the last winter snow drizzling into spring.

Hope.

Shepard looked up at what remained of the Shroud. _Mordin. Damn it_.

Solus had been the Commander's rock. His amphibious, speed talking rock. The Salarian had always been a port of calm in a stormy sea of complete unknowns, doing six impossible things before breakfast. The most brilliant mind Shepard had ever known.

As the commander watched, a fireball exploded out of the tower, pouring black smoke and crackling with strange energy emissions. It slowed and seemed to hover in mid air before it defied the laws of physics, inexplicably changed course and headed directly toward Shepard and the gathering of Krogan.

A dozen high caliber shotguns and Shepard's assault rifle were immediately aimed at the flaming mass.

All the comms in the area crackled into life; a hard, gritty beat poured into disbelieving ears. Music rolled off the flying mass like so much lava, pulsing with a bass heartbeat.** A few shots were fired by a nervous young Krogan. They were aimed true but bounced off shields that crackled with energy discharge.

And suddenly, Shepard just KNEW. "Hold fire! Hold your fire, damn it!" The ultimate Alliance soldier spun away from the rapidly approaching missile of fiery doom and made sure, by using Shepard's Angry Face(tm), that every Krogan in line lowered their weapon.

Realization made Eve's eyes light with hope; she stepped to Shepard's side. "Commander, it can't be..."

"Hell, yes it can. It has to be." _Please, let it be._

A minute later, the ball crash landed with a thud. The strange music sputtered out. A small explosion sprayed the site with white foam like someone had flung a jar of marshmallow creme at a wall. The flames died, the energy emissions fizzled out with a pop and black smoke roiled around in a cloud.

Mordin emerged from the cloud of smoke, bent almost double with coughing and waving his hands to clear the air. So covered in soot and foam as to be unrecognizable but for being the only salarian in the whole star cluster. He OOZED smug. "Yeah. I can fly."***

Shepard stepped forward to wrap the little genius in a spontaneous, heartfelt hug. "Mordin. MORDIN. You made it!"

After patting the Commander on the back briefly, Solus stepped back into his own personal space. He cleared his throat, embarrassed at the human's display of emotion. "Awkward. Still not interested, Shepard. Observed entire crew of Normandy willing to give you stress relief. Will forward list."

Shepard laughed, so happy to have this friend back that looking a little lovesick was no problem. "How? How did you manage this? Why didn't you say anything?"

"Prototype technology, Shepard, developed in down time on Normandy. No time for field test. Highly dangerous. Odds of success incredibly low." He shrugged modestly. "I might have gotten it wrong."

Shepard's face cracked with an enormous grin, "Impossible!"

Wrex gave Mordin a friendly slap on the shoulder, almost knocking the Salarian off his feet. "That was amazing. You're lucky you didn't burn your quad off."

Solus winced. "Somewhat singed. Would like to shower and see Dr. Chakwas." Mordin rotated his slapped shoulder and winced again. "Maybe not in that order."

"What's that music you were blasting over your comm?" Wrex was curious. "I could kick even more Reaper ass to that."

"Ah yes. Black Sabbath. Used as theme song in musical version of Ironman. Played Tony Stark, epic super hero from 21st century Earth. Not patter song. Not Rodgers and Hammerstein, but appropriately robust."

* * *

(*Barney Stinson played by Neil Patrick Harris)

(**In case you're curious-and I know the song has nothing to do with the movie- go the Tube and search Black Sabbath Iron Man)

(***Tony Stark played by Robert Downey, Jr.)


	2. So Sexy It Hurts

**So Sexy It Hurts**

**Mass Effect 3, post Citadel DLC but otherwise no specific time. Let me just say that the gender neutral Shepard thing is already driving me nuts.**

* * *

Shepard was pacing back and forth in front of the fish tank, obviously agitated, when the cabin door slid open. "Thanks for coming, EDI. I need you to help me figure something out."

"Of course, Shepard. What is the nature of your inquiry?" The AI pitched concern into her tone. The commander seemed genuinely disturbed. Her sensors picked up minor damage to the carpet fibers where Shepard had apparently been pacing for some time.

"I've been to Dr. Chakwas but she can't find anything wrong. Any changes. I've been splashed with a lot of different goop on missions lately. Do you read anything different about my... I don't know, my biochemistry or my pheromones or... can you detect anything different about me?" The commander ran a hand through already tousled hair.

"Scanning." EDI concentrated for .002 seconds. "I do not detect any anomalies in your results, Shepard, other than that your metabolic stress levels have sharply increased. Those levels have been rising since we left Earth and are cause for some concern. You should do something to relax."

"So you don't see anything that would cause the crew to suddenly change their behavior towards me? Nothing artificial? That can't be right."

EDI calculated the increase in speed of the commander's pacing at an average of twenty meters per minute. "Perhaps I am missing crucial context, Shepard. How has the behavior of the crew changed?"

"I'd rather not say. But whatever it is, it's affected a lot of people. Dr. Chakwas, Mordin and Joker are about the only people who haven't behaved... oddly." The commander dropped inelegantly to the couch, head and neck resting against the back of the furniture as if exhausted.

"Shepard, you know there are many aspects of human behavior that I do not understand. I cannot assist you without more information." EDI relied heavily on Shepard's intuitive grasp of the actions of the people they both worked with to assist her in improving her own ability to process and respond naturally to their teammates. Faced with an uncertain commander, the AI tasked a small percentage of her resources not currently devoted to operating the Normandy to calculate probable causes of...

"They've been... flirting. Alright? Friends I have known well for a long time, people I just met that I barely know. They've all been flirting. And I don't understand why! I haven't encouraged it, I've just been myself." The commander turned and lay down on the couch, voice full of frustration.

"Flirting? You mean they have initiated courtship rituals?"

Shepard's words were muffled by a throw pillow held over the facial area. "Yes. Exactly."

"This is not unexpected." The AI walked over to the couch.

The commander moved the pillow down far enough to look over at EDI. "What do you mean?"

EDI knelt beside the couch so it would be easier for the commander to look at her. "By human standards, Shepard, you are very attractive. I believe you are already aware of this. Due in part to your successful military career and in part to your own charisma, by the standards of most council species, you would also be considered a 'good catch'. Most people would consider your current situation to be flattering."

Shepard groaned. "I've never had so many people ... declare themselves at me before. Most of them even know I'm in a relationship. What the hell is going on?"

"The physiological and biological human reaction to life threatening situations is well documented, Shepard. Perhaps they feel an emotional connection to you or perhaps they simply desire to experience new and pleasurable things before the destruction of the galaxy. Experiencing Commander Shepard sexually would be quite the chunk taken out of bed."

"What?" That made no sense. Ah. "I think you mean 'notch in the bedpost.' And it wouldn't be. I'm just a soldier. A soldier with a lot of scars and nightmares and, oh yeah, total personal responsibility for saving the entire galaxy. No pressure."

"You underestimate your appeal, Shepard. In fact, Jeff and I have recently been discussing expanding my erotic experiences with more untraditional activities. We would like you to participate with us in what is known by the human French culture as a menage a' trois. Are you familiar with this sexual activity?"

Shepard bolted upright on the couch, eyes wild and wide. "What!?"

"Just messing with you, Shepard."

Shepard laughed for 26.3 seconds while clutching the throw pillow, then reached over and patted her on the shoulder. "I know. Thanks, EDI."


	3. Watch My Six

**Mass Effect 1. Which I'm playing through now, trying to get the hardcore achievement so that I can then stress out over getting the insanity achievement. I love video games, but I'm not very *good* at them, so I don't really understand why I grind for achievements. I just end up frustrated.**

**M!Shep in this one; 'gender neutral Shepard' stomped on me hard this weekend but I persevered. For now at least. Language warning in this one; it kind of became a rant.**

* * *

**Watch My Six**

I paced back and forth in the comm room, waiting impatiently as the various members of Normandy's ground crew filed into the room and took seats. As the circle filled up, I realized I hate the seating in this room with a vengeance. In this room, my team acts like they work in a damn democracy.

Standing in front of the comm unit is as close as I can get to being at the 'head' of the room. My stance is aggressive-arms crossed in front of me, feet shoulder width apart. "Now that everyone is here, we'll get started."

"Excuse me, Commander, but Tali and Ashley are not here." Liara, haughty as ever while pointing out the completely obvious.

Liara is, I know, really very sweet. And I know that culturally the Asari as a whole seem to consider themselves superior to every other race in the galaxy and that this bias carries itself over into the way Asari communicate with other species. Normally it doesn't bother me. Today, it pisses me off.

"Tali and Ashley will not be joining us because they are in the med bay. They are in the med bay because the 'simple' mission we just ran went FUBAR thanks to the incredibly stupid shit they pulled. And that's what we're here for- so I can yell at every single one of you because I am sick and tired of your incredibly stupid mission shit."

Kaidan was immediately concerned about the injured crew members. Of course. "Will they be okay? Is there anything I can help Dr. Chakwas with?" '_Should I bring flowers? I should bring flowers. And chocolate, Ash likes chocolate. Can Tali eat chocolate?' Kaidan, as Wrex would say, needs to grow a quad. _

I clamped down on my unflattering thoughts about Kaidan. I know he's a good guy, this is my frustration talking. "Ashley will be fine. She has a broken arm and a concussion from trying to melee with a Krogan warlord. He was behind the storage crate she decided would be good cover even though it was fifty feet in front of us and the only solid object around.

"Tali, on the other hand, may not be alright. She sustained a suit puncture because I shot her in the arm. I shot her because she ran in front of me while her shields were down at the same time that I was shooting at the Krogan who was pounding Ashley. I was using polonium rounds so she's got a bad infection and a high fever. Dr. Chakwas is consulting with the Migrant Fleet now." Things were touch and go with Tali. My shoulders slouched a little with worry and guilt.

Liara was distressed. "Poor Tali. I'm sure she doesn't blame you, Commander. It's not your fault. Accidents happen in the heat of battle."

There is no other way to describe what happened next other than to say that I exploded. I even waved my hands around my head like a lunatic. "Damn it, Liara! Of course it's my fault. This should not have happened! If I had addressed these issues with all of you sooner, it wouldn't have. But until everyone is on the same page about what NOT to do during combat, we're not leaving the Normandy again. That, or I'm soloing everything."

That immediately put Wrex's tail in a twist, if you can even do that to a Krogan. "What the hell, Shepard? Some of us are professionals and have been since long before you were born. Show a little respect."

I was not about to back down. "Alright, Wrex, I'll start with you. I know you aren't used to fighting in a group, I'm good with that. But when things get really hot and I need you to stay steady, your bloodlust or whatever you want to call it takes you over like some mythical berserker and you pull some really stupid crap. I've bounced more than one round off your shields on more than one mission because you run right in front of me! I can't even keep you in the Mako when we tackle a Thresher Maw. No-o-o-o, you want to kill it on FOOT!"

"Exactly what are you trying to say, Shepard?" Wrex practically growled those words at me. He was getting hot.

"I'm saying, Wrex, that charging a Geth Colossus is a colossally STUPID idea! You got knocked out and Kaidan and I had to take it down by ourselves."

Garrus burst out laughing at that point. "I can't believe I missed that."

I've got a full head of steam going by that point, so I round on him. "Garrus, you charge around in front of me just as often as anyone else. And aren't you supposed to be some bad ass sniper? I know you've got hand-to-hand combat skills, but really, I spent a fortune on that Spectre class sniper rifle for you... hang back and snipe!

"Alenko, T'Soni, you two have no weapons training to speak of, your skill sets work best at a distance and you wear armor that isn't as sturdy as the toilet paper we stock on the Normandy. Why the hell are you charging in close?

"All of you guys run around all over the place like you're dancing in a club, not like the professional soldiers some of you are and NOT like you're trying not to die on a battlefield! And today it almost got Ash killed and it might still kill Tali. Well, it stops now." I've said more than I meant to say and said it meaner than I meant to say it, but I could practically feel a weight lift off me.

I force myself to relax, drop my hands to my sides and heave a big sigh. "We have a standard battle formation everywhere we go. We always form a triangle with me in front. I take point and that means no one gets in front of me. Person on the left side picks off targets on the left and person on the right takes out targets on the right. Keep an eye on our flanks, keep an eye on our rear. We don't have comms in our helmets just to make them fit our heads better; we need to talk to each other. What's so hard to understand about that?"

I'm a nice person. My crew isn't used to seeing me upset at things, much less upset and yelling at them. So it is fair to say they were all a little stunned.

While they were still silently looking around at each other and at me, I moved Operation: Watch My Six to Phase Two. "Joker!"

He popped over the comm immediately, listening in as always. "Nice monologue-ing there, Commander. Good thing you're not the bad guy or you'd have been capped!"

I ignored Joker's lame attempt at humor. "Is the shuttle bay set up and ready?"

Joker was way too excited for what was, essentially, a training exercise. "It is indeed. I even had the quartermaster set up some video cameras to record everything for the amusement of the crew later."

"Great. As a big 'thank you' for all your help, the referee's chair is yours. Get someone to take the helm for a while and get down there now. We're ready."

"I was hoping you'd say that! I've been practicing: You're out! You're OUT!" The comm went silent after that and I was sure Joker would meet us at the elevator.

I looked again at my crew and I could tell they were all bursting at the seams. I held up a preemptive hand. "Everyone save your questions for now. We're going downstairs to have a little training exercise. You can thank Joker and the quartermaster for arranging this. I was all for live fire training but Joker convinced me that it was a little late in the game to be replacing my squad members. This should actually be fun. Those of you who are angry with me right now will even have a chance to shoot me."

Wrex growled, obviously enjoying the idea of causing me some pain. "I hope it'll hurt."

I huffed a chuckle. "Only my pride, Wrex. It's an old game from Earth called Laser Tag. Fall in." With that, I headed for the door.

Liara posed a question to Kaidan. "Do you think I move around the battlefield like I'm dancing?"

"Oh, no. Of course not." Alenko sounded very certain.

She seemed slighted offended. "Does that mean you don't think I'm graceful on the battlefield?"

"Uh." The pause while we waited for Kaidan to decide the safest way to answer that was almost painful. "Oh, no. Not at all. You're very graceful. It's just that... when Asari dance, there's a lot more... umm... hip action."

"Hmph." I didn't have to be watching Liara at that moment to know that her eyes were narrowed.

Wrex posed a question to Garrus, voice pitched low. Hoping I wouldn't hear him, I guess. "So, do you think Shepard dances the way he fights a battle? You know, not moving around much other than to raise the arms, take aim and fire?"

Garrus pondered that briefly. "I doubt it. Cause that would be... you know. Weird."

I was taking point, which for once meant that everyone was behind me. So nobody saw my /facepalm.


	4. Larger Than Life

**Larger Than Life**

**TIM had Project Lazarus upgrade Female Commander Shepard in many ways. Some more obvious than others. **

**Lots of canon dialogue snipped out. This particular one shot jumped in line in front of something else already in progress from ME1. **

**I'd like to thank not only the people who have read this but everyone who has followed me or favorited this series of one shots. It's a nice feeling; comedy is hard to write and I never know if I've pulled it off or not. I read and review under a different user name because I wanted to avoid receiving any kind of 'you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours' feedback- whether through traffic or reviews or follows- now that I've decided to share some writing. The follow and favorite features are things I haven't really utilized because I read here a lot and have an excellent memory, but I'll use them more now that I know authors can see it and that it gives people the warm fuzzies. Thanks again.**

* * *

Commander Shepard walked down the stairs into the comm room at Lazarus Research Station and stepped into a ring carved out of blue light. After a moment, amber lights came up and drew a grid around her body. She looks around, confused, and sighed. So much change in just two years.

The connection went through and the Illusive Man appeared while Shepard was distracted by the fancy tech. He observed her for a moment before she became aware of him. He took a puff on some kind of designer cigarette, tapped into his ash tray, and called for her attention. "Commander Shepard."

The commander took a hip-cocked, arms crossed stance, obviously annoyed. "Illusive Man. I thought we'd be meeting face-to-face."

"A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know." He does not seem surprised by her naiveté but still derided it.

"You might be the reason I'm still alive but that doesn't mean I trust you."

"You need to put your personal feelings aside. Humanity is up against the greatest threat of our brief existence." The Illusive Man got up and walked over to Shepard's image on the communicator.

"The Reapers." Shepard exhibited no surprise whatsoever that the schedule for imminent galactic doom was still on track.

"Good to see your memory is still intact. How are you feeling?"

"Not bad. I noticed a few 'upgrades.' I hope you didn't replace anything really important. And some of your additions have failed to impress. Or amuse. "

"We tried to keep you as intact as possible. We need Shepard-just as you were when you defeated Sovereign."

"Just as I was plus a bonus, right?" The Commander was a more than a little peeved, puffed up like an angry cat. "My girls weren't enough for you? Your 'upgraded twins' are throwing my aim off."

"I judged larger breasts were a necessary addition to your personal arsenal. Your aim will adjust quickly but I didn't virtually beggar my organization to resurrect you for your marksmanship skills. Shepard, you are the General Patton or Stormin' Norman of our age. Anything that Project Lazarus believed would increase your ability to be charismatic or inspiring-to politicians or troops or the public-we gave you. Your teeth are whiter, your eyes sparkle brighter. Superficial improvements but we need any edge we can give you in this war."

If the Illusive Man had intended his words to calm Shepard down, he'd missed the mark. By a wide margin. "You could have trained an entire army for what you spent to bring me back. And led it your damn self."

He snorted. "Hardly. I operate behind the scenes. A war, particularly a wide-spread war on a galactic scale, requires a different kind of leader. A figurehead of sorts, but nobody's puppet. You're unique. Not just in ability or what you've experienced, but in what you represent. You stood for humanity at a key moment. You're more than a soldier-you're a symbol."

"Uh-huh. And if she's going to be a symbol, a woman has to have a great rack, right? You misogynistic bastard."

He quirked his lip in a cold, hard smile. "I prefer the term 'realist', Shepard. When you have a time, talk to Miranda Lawson about the effective use of your new... small arms. Let's move on."


	5. Neck And Shoulders Above The Rest

**Neck and Shoulders Above the Rest**

**Hi. I'm WalkingCodex and I'm addicted to adverbs. And ellipses. There. I said it. I'll work hard to get better; there's a series of injections and a support group to attend. **

**Alrighty... so. This was a really long way to go for a joke, but it has bothered me since I started playing this universe. Mass Effect 1. FemShep. In fatigues but not in armor. I can't be the only one who has noticed this really unusual... thing.**

* * *

"Dr... Dr. Chakwas, I think she's waking up." Alenko's voice comes from off to the side somewhere, but I can't see him when I open my eyes. He sounds anxious.

The hard slab of cold metal underneath me tells me I'm in the Med Bay. For some reason my high school's marching band is parading through my head. Gah. Thinking that maybe the head will feel better if I get vertical, I sit up and swing my legs off the bed. Oooh, not so much. Lightheaded, I bend at the waist to put my head over my knees. Must... not... vomit.

Dr. Chakwas appears next to me and I tilt my head up a little to look at her. "You had us worried there Shepard. How are you feeling?"

"Minor throbbing. Nothing serious. How long was I out?" And by minor throbbing I mean that a horde of tiny Krogan are jumping up and down in my skull and head butting the backs of my eyes. Can she not tell I'm looking for something to puke in?

"About fifteen hours. Something happened down there, with the beacon, I think." I must not look as bad as I feel because apparently the good doctor can't tell that.

"It's my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way." Ah, there's the LT, over to my right.

Note to self: the bouncing Krogan do not like it when I turn my head. And I'm pretty sure that Alliance reg 1783a(16)(ii)(e) states that being violently ill in the presence of a soldier under my command would be irreparably damaging to my authority.

"You had no way to know what would happen." Silly for him to be worried about that actually, since we would've had to approach it in order to load it on the Normandy. Unless his biotic lift is a hell of a lot stronger than it looked.

Dr. Chakwas dragged my attention back to her. "Actually, we don't even know if that's what set it off. Unfortunately, we'll never get a chance to find out."

"The beacon exploded. System overload, maybe. The blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship." Alenko looked worried that I might shoot the messenger, but taking bad news out on my crew just isn't my style. Yep. That's me. A paragon of virtue.

"I appreciate it. " Wait. He had to have help carrying me? I barely weigh 100 pounds soaking wet as the old saying goes. Not a lot more even with the armor and weapons. I could do a forced march while carrying Alenko over my shoulder and not think twice about it. Methinks the LT needs a little PT.

Alright... gonna stand up now. Room: spinning. Head: pounding. Stomach: settling. That's something at least. I straighten up cautiously.

Dr. Chakwas had more to say. "Physically, you're fine. But I detected some unusual... Shepard? Shepard, what happened to your neck?"

"What do you mean, Dr. Chakwas? My neck feels fine."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"My whole body aches a bit but not my neck in particular. I had some sort of vision. I saw... I'm not sure what I saw." Violent, disjointed images flashed in my head, violently and disjointedly.

"Yes, yes. A vision. I didn't notice it before with you lying down, but your neck... Oh! Captain Anderson."

"How's our XO holding up, doctor?" His eyes widened comically as he looked at me.

"Well, all the readings look normal. But I need to give her a complete physical as soon as possible." The doctor looked at me like I'd just grown a third eye. Or turned into a Batarian.

Anderson nodded at the doctor. "Shepard, I need to speak with you. In private. Dr. Chakwas, don't go far. She'll be available to you in a few minutes."

"Aye, aye, Captain. I'll be in the mess if you need me." Alenko saluted sharply before leaving. Whatever was 'wrong' with me, Alenko didn't seem to pick up on it.

Doctor Chakwas just left the room with a disturbed look on her face.

"Sounds like that beacon hit you pretty hard, Commander. Are you sure you're okay? I mean, you look ... different now that you are out of your armor."

The Normandy is a brand new posting for me. Can't afford to look weak in front of Anderson. "You said you needed to see me in private, Captain?"

"I won't lie to you, Shepard. Your ne... things look bad." Anderson shifted to an 'at ease' position but looked strangely uncomfortable and oddly distracted. If this was any other man, I'd think he was trying to stare at my breasts without getting caught. But not only do I not really have much of a bosom (an unfortunate side effect of being extremely fit and active with little body fat), Anderson is too much of a gentleman for that crap.

Still, he seemed distressed about something. "Nihlus is dead. The beacon was destroyed and geth are invading. I read your report. We need to go to the Citadel and meet with the Council. We should just about be there. Let Dr. Chakwas give you that physical, then head up to the bridge and tell Joker to bring us in to dock." Anderson left the med bay as if the elephant in the room was trying to charge over the top of him.

The doctor entered the med bay again before I could go look for her. The physical didn't turn up much. Apparently I was 3.75 inches taller now than I was since my last medical exam. All of that extra height in my neck, which still wasn't particularly sore. Even my vertebrae were elongated, according to the scans. Dr. Chakwas had no explanation than that 'something must have happened on Eden Prime' with the beacon.

After a long stare in the mirror, I was growing to hate that colony but fast. "What do I do about this, doc? I look like a freak!"

She was sympathetic but had nothing really helpful. "For some reason the condition isn't noticeable when you are in your armor, so I'd wear that as much as possible. Perhaps it will reverse itself given enough time."

"There's nothing else I can do?" I don't consider myself a vain person, not even before I received some facial scarring. But really, this was the outside of too much.

Dr. Chakwas deadpanned, "I suggest you purchase some turtlenecks during your visit to the Citadel."

I am fairly sure the hiss of the door opening in front of me covered my less than professional remarks, peppered liberally with swearing. I headed through the mess towards the stairs but stopped to speak to Kaidan who was obviously waiting for me.

"Commander, I'm glad to see you're okay. Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew and I'm glad we didn't lose you, too."

"Things were pretty rough down there." I was only now realizing how rough.

"Yeah, you never get used to seeing... dead..." His voice trailed away into nothing, his stare having come to rest squarely between my collarbone and my jaw. Sigh.

I resisted the urge to cover my neck with one hand. I refused to be self-conscious about this. "Et tu, Lieutenant?"

"Sorry, ma'am. You seem a bit more, um... lithe than you were before the beacon hit you." The LT was nervous.

Lithe? Really? I forced myself to smile. "It's okay to speak plain, Alenko. Whatever happened down on Eden Prime, it's had some rather obvious consequences."

He got a pained look on his face before he spoke again. "It's... it's not that noticeable, ma'am." Alenko is not a good liar. "But... it doesn't hurt does it?"

I shook my head, making a mental note to buy up every turtleneck I could find in my size. "For now, the pain in my neck is completely metaphorical, LT. I should go." I took advantage of his guilt and confusion to head towards the bridge.

Walking briskly through the CIC, I avoided making eye contact with anyone until I reached the cockpit.

He seemed to know it was me before I got there. "Good timing, Commander. I was just about to..." He got an eyeful when he turned his head to look up at me. Word had apparently not yet traveled to the bridge about my altered appearance but our helmsman certainly didn't lack an eye for detail.

Joker didn't miss a beat."What the hell happened to you? You look like the bastard offspring off Geoffrey the Giraffe and Plastic Man."

"You're a funny guy, Joker. Dr. Chakwas thinks it must be some side effect of the beacon but there's no way to be sure." All this scrutiny was infuriating my horde of Krogan, my heading pounding with renewed vigor.

"So, how much trouble will I be in if I start calling you Commander Stretch?"

I narrowed my stare at him and spoke slowly and deliberately. "Two words: Shuttle Jockey."

"Gotcha." Momentarily reined in, Joker turned back towards the task at hand.

With a sigh, I headed back down through the CIC towards the storage lockers, to put my armor back on.


	6. Give the Man a Mako

**Give the Man a Mako or the Trouble With Thresher Maws**

**What's the deal with that vehicle we all love to hate?! Garrus can't fix everything for Renegade M!Shep, after all, even with ME1's Omni-gel. Uh, this is way longer than I expected. Thanks for the reviews and the follows and the favorites. They are appreciated. BTW, I am aware that I haven't disclaimed anything. I figure it goes without saying at this point that none of us own anything. Also, FF kept taking out my AT symbols in the fake email addresses, so that they are annoying to look at. And my requisition form is all wonky and I can't figure out the formatting. Apologies.  
**

* * *

Shepard jogged off the elevator over to the Mako where Garrus and Wrex were arguing loudly. The three of them had returned from a planet side mission about half an hour ago. Garrus and Wrex had immediately begun repairs on the Mako while the Commander changed into his fatigues, checked in with Joker, Pressly and then selected a new destination on the Galaxy Map. It was hard to tell whether they'd made any progress on the vehicle yet or not, other than that the fire was out.

Wrex was the first one to spot the Commander and therefore the first one to start ranting. "How many times I have warned you that maw acid damage isn't fixable? This Mako isn't fit to use for spare parts."

Garrus concurred. "Melt it down into Omni-gel, Shepard, the enhanced shielding I calibrated for this mission obviously didn't help. That's the third Mako we've lost to a thresher maw in the last six weeks."

"Yeah, and letting Wrex drive didn't help, either. I don't want to hear any more complaints about my driving. I have never rolled right over a maw's exit point and had it flip us over before it set us on fire! Well, not three times in one mission anyway."

Wrex, who resented the slur against his manhood... er, Kroganhood... um, Kroganocity... grr... DRIVING, defended himself with a solid whack to the Commander's shoulder, knocking him into the Turian who then knocked over the computer terminal set up next to the defunct vehicle. "Next time, that'll be a head butt. I keep telling you that our personal shielding and medi-gel are more effective than the Mako's armor against maw acid."

"Fine, Wrex. We'll try it your way. The next time we run into a giant worm that spits acid which dissolves metal and sets things on fire, we'll take it down on foot. But fair warning-anyone knocked out while I'm dodging acid streams can just stay that way until the thing is good and dead, unity or no unity." Shepard bent over, picked up the laptop and handed it to Garrus before he assumed a bit of a football crouch, lunged into Wrex's middle and body slammed him into the still smoking Mako-hard.

Garrus would later swear that he heard Wrex "oof."

Shepard straightened up, patted Wrex on the shoulder in a friendly manner and turned to walk away. Wrex tackled him from behind and took him to the floor. Thereupon commenced a wrestling match similar in style to the old Earth Greco-Roman but considerably more violent.

Used to this sort of post-mission behavior, Garrus took his computer and walked over to Ashley's corner where she and Kaidan were watching. Ashley looked angry and vaguely horrified (at least, the Turian thought so; hard to tell as it wasn't much different from the look she always had on her face) and Garrus could swear Kaidan looked envious.

"What the hell does Wrex think he's doing? That's a superior officer!" Ashley was rules and regs to the bone.

Kaidan smiled and shrugged. "They're just blowing off steam. All that adrenaline build up."

Garrus agreed with the LT. "Yes, I believe this is what humans refer to as 'male bonding'. Later, there will be alcohol."

* * *

EZ-Req116A*

Quantity / Product No. / Product Description

10 / 252A / Medi-gel, case of 250 units (Sirta Corporation)

500 / 11C / MRE Levo Rations (Assorted)

50 / THS-15 / Dextro Rations Variety Pack (Turian Hierarchy Supply)

5 / LS-1 / EnviroSuit Premium 30 Day Filter (LiveShip-a Migrant Fleet Corp)

2 / LS-3 / Broad Spectrum Antibiotic, EnviroSuit (LiveShip-a Migrant Fleet Corp)

1 / M35 / Mako Infantry Fighting Vehicle

Electronic Signature: Commander Shepard

* Please note: Official Alliance Regulations require the use of EZ-Req116A for all requisitions made by active duty Alliance military vessels. If you are not supplying an Alliance military vessel (click here) to utilize the EZ-Req form search engine. Requisitions made on the incorrect form will be ignored. Requisition of vehicles, armor and heavy weaponry require signature of vessel commander.

EZ-Req form quick links: (Space Station) (R&D - classified) (Military Base) (Military Outpost) (Embassy)

* * *

_Cpl. Johnson (emma_johnson AT 5threq . arcturus . gov)_

_Fifth Fleet Requisitions Office_

_Systems Alliance Command_

_Arcturus Station_

_RE: Request for Replacement Mako_

_Commander Shepard:_

_We are in receipt of your request for another M35 Mako. This office has flagged your requisitions account for review. You are hereby ordered to provide copies of official mission reports detailing the loss of each of prior Mako. Until those reports are provided and a determination that there has been no fraudulent activity can be made, your account-as it pertains to vehicle acquisitions-is frozen._

_Corporal Johnson_

_Requisitions Specialist_

* * *

_Cdr. Shepard (shepard AT normandy . 5thfleet . gov)_

_RE: No_

_Corporal Johnson:_

_My mission reports are classified top secret and therefore way above your pay grade. _

_High risk missions are high risk for a reason. Perhaps R&D should improve the shielding so that it is actually effective in the field. Failing that, immediate production of an M36 Mako would be welcome._

_Further questions should be addressed directly to Admiral Hackett of the Fifth Fleet or Ambassador Udina and the Council. The Normandy will be docking for resupply at Arcturus Station in three days. I expect to take delivery of the M35 Mako, along with our normal provisions, at that time._

_Shepard _

* * *

_MSgt Stiles (matt_stiles AT 5threq . arcturus . gov)_

_Fifth Fleet Requisitions Office_

_Systems Alliance Command_

_Arcturus Station_

_RE: Frozen Account_

_Commander Shepard:_

_Cpl. Johnson has, in an effort to assist you, forwarded your correspondence to me for further handling. Procedure, as I know you are aware, does dictate that we obtain official documentation in order to ensure that regulations are complied with and Alliance interests are protected. _

_While I regret the need to do so and certainly don't intend to impugn your personal honor, surely you are aware that the loss of six M35 Makos in a two month time span is unprecedented. Why, the average rate for front line Alliance vessel Mako replacement is less than half that for the period of an entire year! Please, help me help you so we can replace this vehicle and all future vehicles for you in a timely fashion._

_Sincerely,_

_Master Sergeant Stiles_

_Requisitions_

* * *

_Cdr. Shepard (shepard AT normandy . 5thfleet . gov)_

_RE: Still No_

_Master Sergeant Stiles:_

_My mission reports are also way above __**your**__ pay grade. Here is the extent of information that I am able to provide:_

_1 - Mako lost to erupting volcano during classified mission_

_3- Makos lost to contact with local native wildlife during classified mission_

_2 -Makos lost during combat with classified hostiles during classified mission_

_In fact, one of them was lost in combat due to a very large hostile dropping right out of the sky in front of me while I was fleeing the battle at a high rate of speed, due to loss of shielding... again. I was unable to stop in time and the wreckage wedged itself in the wheels and got stuck there. We flipped over repeatedly and my crew and I were barely able to escape the vehicle before it was destroyed in an explosion from the rockets that were launched at it._

_Future Makos will also be lost during classified missions unless the Destiny Ascension drops out of orbit onto one while I'm visiting the Citadel. If improvements are not made in the durability of the Mako, expect the rate of loss to remain constant, if not dramatically increase. _

_I order you contact Admiral Hackett of the Fifth Fleet or Ambassador Udina and the Council to resolve this issue immediately and permanently. _

_The Normandy will be docking for resupply at Arcturus Station in two days. I expect to take delivery of the M35 Mako, along with our normal provisions, at that time._

_Shepard _

* * *

_CWO Brundidge (edward_brundidge AT 5threq . arcturus . gov)_

_Fifth Fleet Requisitions Office_

_Systems Alliance Command_

_Arcturus Station_

_In accordance with System Alliance Regulation 2914F(2)(iv)(b), your request for a new Mako is denied until such time as you comply with this agency's request for detailed information regarding the loss of each vehicle. _

_Failure to provide said information will result in an official investigation into each loss, up to and including a thorough review of the personal finances of you and each member of your crew to rule out fraud. Additionally, failure to fully comply with the investigation as required by Alliance regulations for the standards of officer conduct will result in a court-martial and up to twenty-five years in the brig._

_Chief Warrant Officer Edward Brundidge_

_Head of Requisitions_

* * *

_Cdr. Shepard (shepard AT normandy . 5thfleet . gov)_

_(cc: stephen_hackett AT 5thfleet . arcturus . gov)_

_RE: Good Luck With That!_

_Chief Warrant Officer Brundidge:_

_If a new Mako is not delivered to the Normandy's shuttle bay within one hour of our docking at Arcturus Station tomorrow, my ground crew and I will come take delivery in person._

_As for your investigation, let me know how that works out for you._

_Shepard_

* * *

_Adm. Hackett (stephen_hackett AT 5thfleet . arcturus . gov)_

_Systems Alliance Command_

_Arcturus Station_

_(cc: shepard AT normandy . 5thfleet . gov)_

_RE: Commander Shepard_

_Brundidge:_

_Let me be clear: You will approve any requisitions Commander Shepard makes for anything that the Alliance trades in. If Commander Shepard makes a requisition for an item that the Alliance does not trade in, you are hereby ordered to make superhuman efforts to acquire it. _

_There will be no investigation. Period. _

_Failure to comply with any of the above means that I'll bust you back down the ranks so far you'll be taking orders from Cpl. Johnson._

_Hackett_

* * *

_Adm. Hackett (stephen_hackett AT 5thfleet . arcturus . gov)_

_Systems Alliance Command_

_Arcturus Station_

_RE: Visit to Arcturus Station Tomorrow_

_Shepard:_

_Glad to hear that you are going to be on Arcturus tomorrow. I've been reading your mission reports. They read just like the mission reports David Anderson and I used to file back in our days with the old Grizzly. _

_Come by my place with your ground crew tomorrow night. Drinks are on me. _

_Hackett_

* * *

**The scene: Lt. Alenko has greatly impressed Commander Shepard with the way he helped talk down the L2 biotics holding Chairman Burns hostage. As a reward, Shepard has invited Alenko to go planet side with him, Wrex and Garrus for a few hours of off-road shore leave (thinly disguised as "surveying for minerals").**

"Woo-hoo!" Kaidan hollered as the Mako flew over a steep ridge and bounced them around hard as it landed and then continued on up the mountain.

"Alenko! Did you just 'woo-hoo'?" Shepard asked roughly as he jolted in his seat, holding on for dear life to the handle on the wall as his Krogan friend drove like a madman up the mountain.

"It's an expression of enthusiastic excitement, Shepard." Garrus explained.

Shepard laughed. "I know what it is, Vakarian! I'm just surprised to hear it, is all. Marines are supposed to 'hooah,' Kaidan. Really. Real men don't woo-hoo."

Kaidan blushed a little but blew it off. "Of course they do, Shepard. We woo-hoo'd all the time in Canada."

"Ha! I'm with Shepard on this one. Men do not... Damn!" Wrex had only taken his eyes off his driving for a few seconds but that was all it took.

The Mako crested another even steeper ridge at a high rate of speed. When they made it over, there was nothing on the other side... nothing for a long, long drop. Four male voices sang out in unison, a perfect chorus of, "Ahhhhhhh!" that rang out until the Mako hit solid ground again and started rolling. After another short drop, it came to rest on its back.

The four didn't have much to say as they struggled out of the upside down vehicle and up the slope to a small plateau above and to the side of where they had come to rest. The situation was not good. They were stuck in a hole.

Behind the Mako was a solid mountain peak with a steep slope extending several hundred feet above them. In front of it was a solid mountain peak that extended a good twenty feet above where it was resting, and they had no idea what was on the other side of that. There was no room to turn the Mako back over, if they were even able to do that, and nowhere for the Normandy to get in and use equipment to lift it out.

Garrus was the first to break the silence. "So... Shepard."

"Yeah, Garrus."

"We're not going to be able to get that thing out of there, are we?"

"No, Garrus."

Garrus nodded wisely. "Thresher maw?"

"Thresher maw." Shepard sighed. More damn paperwork. Good thing he'd created a template.

Kaidan spoke up hesitantly, with a thoughtful look on his face. "Actually, Commander, I think Wrex and I can get it out of there with our biotics. Well, our biotics and a small explosion."

"Are you crazy, Alenko? There's no way!" Wrex was sure about that.

Garrus was more than a little interested. "I'm good with explosions. What's on your mind, Kaidan?"

Kaidan glanced at Shepard as if for approval and after Shepard gave a nod, the lieutenant explained enthusiastically. "Here's what I'm thinking. The Mako is pretty much flat on its back, right? But the turret leaves enough room for Garrus to plant a couple of his proximity mines under it. Wrex, if you can throw a barrier on the Mako and then Garrus overloads the mines to cause an explosion, the force ought to propel the Mako up just a little. It's a lot easier to keep something moving than it is to make it move, so then I hit it with a lift. What do you think?"

Garrus looked at Wrex, then at Shepard. Wrex looked at Garrus, then at Shepard. Shepard looked at Wrex, then Garrus, then they all looked at Kaidan. Just as Kaidan began to fidget nervously from all the scrutiny, Shepard stepped forward, put a hand on Alenko's shoulder and looked him in the eye.

With all the gravity and solemnity which Shepard had used to accept his Spectre status from the council, he said to Kaidan, "Lieutenant. That plan is well thought out and logical, but also crazy and possibly dangerous. We absolutely love it. But what do I do?"

Kaidan grinned. "Shepard, you're just a soldier. You get to stand there and think about how awesome Garrus, Wrex and I are for pulling this off."

Shepard shoved him a little, then saluted. "Sir, yes sir! Jarhead reporting for observation duty, sir!"

Preparation for what would come to be known amongst the four as the "Big Sink" took a few minutes. While Garrus retrieved and placed his mines, the others scouted out a place for Kaidan to land the Mako and a safe, out of the way place for them all to stand. Turned out that the peak in front of hole the vehicle was in had a fairly flat shelf before it dropped off down the mountain again. Easily big enough to hold the vehicle.

They gathered together in their impromptu DMZ when they were ready to begin. Shepard smiled at his LT. "She's all yours, Kaidan. I'll just be standing over here."

Alenko laughed. "Right, commander." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, then lit up with the blue glow they were all used to seeing around powerful biotics. "Now, Wrex."

Shepard could see the Mako light up a bit from where he was standing. He didn't take his eyes off the vehicle but he could hear Wrex grunt at Kaidan, "Ready."

Garrus called out, with way too much enthusiasm, "Fire in the hole!" before setting off his overload.

Shepard looked away from the bright flare of the explosion and back towards Kaidan, even as he could see the Mako shift off the ground. The commander watched as Alenko opened his eyes and with a look of concentration on his face, cast his biotic lift at the vehicle.

Watching the Mako float up the hill was about like watching an Elcor walk up that same hill. Which is to say that it took a while. But it rose steadily. By the time it crested the peak, Kaidan was obviously struggling to maintain the lift. However, he did manage and was even able to slowly turn the Mako right side up before the biotic gave out and hit his knees, exhausted. The vehicle hit the ground with a thud.

Wrex and Shepard high fived one another. Garrus gave Kaidan a hand back up.

Shepard looked from Garrus to Wrex and back to Kaidan. "Woo-hoo! That was EPIC! I'm putting all of you up for promotion."

Garrus laughed and crossed his arms. "Shepard, some of us aren't in the Alliance military."

"Oh, right. Well, I'm putting Kaidan up for promotion. I'll buy you and Wrex a beer."

Kaidan smiled and gestured to both Garrus and Wrex."Thanks, commander. That was some great teamwork. But if you don't mind, can we go back to the Normandy now? " He'd gone quite pale and was a bit wobbly.

Shepard took a good look at him and was immediately worried. "You alright, Kaidan?"

"Oh, yeah. Just need to lie down in a dark, quiet room before my head explodes." The sentinel had overworked his L2 implant.

CRACK! The sound roared past them like a missile.

Wrex was the first one of them to figure it out, maybe because he lived in a post nuclear fallout disaster area. "Aw, hell. Move!" He and Shepard between them got Kaidan to the far side of their little bubble of safety just in time.

It must have been the explosion coupled with the Mako landing so hard on the rock shelf. Or maybe the area was already unstable. But as they looked on, the ground crumbled and both the shelf and the Mako disappeared in a cloud of dust and a loud rumble. In disbelief they watched as the rockslide gained momentum and size, until the whole thing fell off a cliff, into a large body of water. The Mako being what it was-an enormously heavy chunk of metal-it sank out of sight almost immediately.

The foursome stood in silence.

"Well, damn. Maybe we could..." A thin trail of blood rolled out of Kaidan's nose. He wiped it with a shaky hand. "Uh, maybe we could just let it go. Alas, Mako #8, we hardly knew ye."

Shepard put his hand up to activate his comm. "Hey, Joker. We're gonna need a landed pick up here. Lock in on my signal and have Pressly find you a landing zone for the Normandy close enough that we can hike to it. And not too far, Alenko needs to see Dr. Chakwas."

"Let me guess, Commander. Problems with the local thresher maw population again?" It was a wonder that Joker's comm didn't short out from all the sarcasm he continuously dripped on it.

Shepard didn't miss a beat. "Actually, no. We were conducting some field research and have proven conclusively that in the event of an emergency water landing, the Mako cannot be used as a flotation device."

* * *

Garrus leaned up against Ashley's workstation and watched while Shepard completed a new EZ-Req116A. "You know, Shepard, you ought to just save a copy of the form with nothing but a Mako on it so you don't have to change anything but the date. You'd save time."

Shepard smiled while he typed. "You're probably right. Glad Admiral Hackett worked that problem out for us or we'd be spending a lot more time cooped up on the Normandy."

Garrus snorted. "Hmmm. Hey, I think you should ask for two Makos this time."

The commander looked up in disbelief. "We can barely keep one running. Why in the world do you want two?"

Mandibles flexed in the Turian equivalent of a smile. "Well, it's obvious, isn't it? We could have races."

Shepard didn't say anything, but he had a big grin on his face as he turned back to the EZ-Req.


	7. Super Shorts

**Super Shorts**

**Little snippets of nitpicking that struck me as funny, but aren't long enough to stand alone. Thanks to the new followers and favoriters. Thanks to Hoplite39 for taking the time to review everything and to hugh305 for confirming that I wasn't hallucinating.**

* * *

Mass Effect 1

Commander Shepard approached Lieutenant Alenko, who, after all this time, was still working on some machine or the other in the mess.

Kaidan looked up. "Need something, Shepard?"

The commander shrugged. "Just killing time till we dock on the Citadel. Thought I'd tour the ship again. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you. That first day on the Normandy, right before the mission on Eden Prime."

Kaidan rubbed at his forehead with the back of one arm. "Yeah?"

"When I got up to the bridge, you were working there with Joker. But you haven't worked there since then. What's up with that?"

"Oh, that. Well, Captain Anderson just wanted us to look busy while Nihlus was on board. We even had the custodian sitting at an empty terminal."

Shepard chuckled. "What was he doing?"

"He was writing a fan fiction for Vaenia to post on the extranet."

"Ah. So, how did that work out?"

"He said it got a lot of good reviews."

The commander gave an eye roll. "Not the story, the looking busy." Kaidan, god love him, was not capable of intuitive conversational leaps.

"Oh." Kaidan shrugged. "Well, Nihlus died, so it never really came up."

* * *

Late in Mass Effect 1

Shepard concluded the sale of all the extra crap they'd picked up lately to the supply officer. The Alliance and the Spectres were a bunch of cheap bastards. Having to buy things himself in order for him and his crew to have anything decent just pissed him off.

Before the commander turned to the elevator, out of the corner of his eye he saw the Turian, Garrus, working on a gun. Deciding to say a quick hello, Shepard strolled over.

Garrus looked up as the commander approached. "Shepard, good to see you."

"What are you up to, Garrus?" Shepard was genuinely curious, seeing as how Vakarian was always working on either his weapons or the Mako when the commander came down to the shuttle bay. The Turian never took a break.

"Oh, just adding a kinetic stabilizer to this new sniper rifle you got me. Thanks for that, by the way. This is a great gun."

"Happy to do it. We're on a tough mission. I've got the best crew and they deserve the best weapons. C-Sec Req said they'd just gotten these a couple of days ago." Shepard didn't share his frustration about the financial end of things with the crew. There was enough to worry about with the whole 'save the galaxy' thing.

Garrus nodded before he spoke. "Friend of mine told me. I know there's not a sniper rifle out there better than the HMWSR X, but..." He stroked the barrel of the rifle with a wistful look in his eye.

"Something wrong, Garrus?"

"Wrong? No, but...," he sighed. "Wouldn't it be great if these things went to XI?"*

(*All you young whippersnappers out there aren't going to get that joke unless you watch "This Is Spinal Tap.")

* * *

ME2

Shepard left the Captain's cabin in casual dress, hair still damp from a quick shower. Bumping the button for the CIC on the elevator, the commander sighed and stretched out some already sore muscles. After finishing that last mission on Illium, dinner with Liara was going to be welcome. Shepard was really looking forward to catching up on the events of the last two years with the now surprisingly well informed Asari.

For some reason the door to the airlock wouldn't open. Looking up at the bridge gave the commander a shock. Instead of the bright lights of the spaceport at Illium, there was the blue glow of FTL space travel shining in the windows.

"Joker!" Shepard snapped. "Why aren't we docked at Illium? I didn't order you to leave and I'm supposed to be meeting Liara for dinner in twenty minutes!"

The helmsman jolted a bit and looked around, almost as if he'd been in a trance. He seemed a bit surprised to find that they were flying, himself. "Huh. I don't know, you came back and I guess I just took off. Zen flying."

"You never used to do this when we were after Saren. But every time I've gotten on board the SR2, you just take off and we have to dock again immediately half the time. And as I've ordered you to stop doing it before, I'm incredibly annoyed now that you're still doing it!"

Joker looked puzzled. "I... don't know why I keep doing it, Commander. It doesn't make any sense."

"Well, knock it off. And turn us around, I'm starving."

* * *

At the Collector base, in ME2

Shepard and the ground team watched, exhausted and relieved, as the human reaper construct fell to the ground. The commander gave instructions on the comm to the ground crew and then to the best helmsman in the galaxy. "Joker-prep the engines. I'm about to overload this place and blow it sky high."

"Roger that, Commander." Shepard got to work but there was only a brief pause before Joker spoke again. "Uh, Commander? I've got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man. EDI's patching it through."

The Illusive Man's image appeared in front of Shepard, looking like the commander could reach out and touch him. "Shepard. You've done the impossible."

Something inside Shepard snapped. "What the hell? My email only goes to the two 'private' terminals I have on the Normandy and if a call comes in, I have to take the world's slowest elevator up to my cabin. Even primitive cell phones back on Earth in the very early 21st century could check email. And now you're telling me that an omni-tool can project a 3-D holographic, real-time video chat to the GALACTIC DAMN CORE but I can't check my email on it?! Freakin' A!"

TIM sighed and rolled his eyes. "Shepard. Focus."


End file.
